Things That Suck About The App Store

Friday Apple introduced the much anticipated iPhone App Store finally allowing native 3rd party Apps to be distributed through a medium we’re actually excited to open up our wallets like a sacrificial lamb. But Apple forgot one tiny detail: how to make sure most of these Apps don’t suck. Oh sure they brought money into the equation where developers had to rent out virtual shelf space and take a hit on their profits just to maintain a comfortable status quo. But when you have fucking idiots charging for shit that can be attained for free (like some of those ridiculous flash light Apps) from the Internet without at least tacking on some bells and whistles then we have a huge problem.

Apple’s mentality of “people will pay for quality stuff” might work on paper in the perfect world where everyone follows your will like a lemming but fails the moment any idiot can develop for the iPhone and slap a price tag on their work then call it a day. We all remember the demonstrations showing off how easy and streamlined it was to engineer Software for the iPhone, just drag and drop a few interface elements, add in some Haikus of code and you too just earned your degree in creating an iPhone App that probably does nothing than look a little prettier than a Web App that does the same fucking thing.

Sure encouraging future developers with an easy to use programming interface is great just like a pair or training wheels are great in preventing a toddler from falling over his initial try, face first in a painful act of self humiliation yet Apple made things too easy and decided that by charging people entrance into the App store only those responsible enough with mommy’s weekly allowance would apply. Sadly that was not the case because the promise of being able to work very little and pay very little to make a whole lot of littles attracts everyone. Who is Apple going to convince that by paying out 70% in revenue only the most honest and caring of developers will join, that’s like telling a prostitute to give up her profession because clothes and makeup cost money. Sure you do get the good ones but the cheap ones stick around for the fun anyways.

But I’m not done blasting Apple on how fuddled the App Store is, sure some of the developers are to blame but in the end Apple is just as responsible when they authorize the Apps themselves. Variety is great but how many fucking To Do Apps do we need, after all and who the hell is even checking these Apps? Most are glorified versions of the iPhone portal they draw the data from just tied to a wallet raping price tag.

Let’s take the New York Times iPhone App for example. It’s free so it’s no loss if you hate it but has nothing to offer over visiting the Web Site outright. Yea, that’s what most of these Apps are, just an “enhanced Web Portal” with a few pretty buttons. Hopefully Apple will let some quality through the second wave of developers jumping on. If that wasn’t enough, some Developers have taken to exploiting Apple’s alphabetical scheme to mass promote their Apps. Call me that jealous little geek in the corner mocking the popular kids under his breath but in the end who wants to download Apps plastered with a bear?